In the fourth season of Black Adder (the World War 1 years) there is an episode, “Corporal Punishment”, where Edmund is sentenced to death. Percy and Baldrick (amazingly) figure out a way to rescue him. With a cunning plan. But instead of doing it, they celebrate the plan and forget to actually do it.
I feel my life is like that sometimes.
I plan to do things, and then, because I have a plan, feel good about my prospects. Then I forget to actually do the plan.
An example is the internet dating I’m trying out. I filled out a profile for myself. I really need to work on the introduction and make it better. Because I have done this, I can see myself in the future having a girlfriend. Then reality hits and I realize that no one has shown the slightest interest towards me in months.
I need to act out on the plan and make a good introduction, upload some photos, and generally pursue this more aggressively. I have no one to blame but myself. I have a person who asked me some questions, but she gave me personalized questions, that need some thought into their answers.
She asked, “If you had three wishes, what would they be?” Or something like that. That’s not a simple question. I can’t think of three things to wish for. Well, not anything that is serious. So I’ve just been stalling, and realizing I can’t answer the question. “I wish I had a girlfriend” sounds very needy, and would put the girl off.
This is similar to another question that was asked of me. (You know who you are.) I didn’t have an answer immediately. It’s been bothering me for a month now, and I am still no closer to an answer.
“What makes you happy?”
I don’t know. I can’t even remember being happy.
I can remember being content. I have activities that I enjoy. I’ve had fun. But I don’t know happy. I don’t feel suicidal, so I don’t have to worry on that front. It’s somewhat disconcerting to know there is a good emotion out there, that seems to be missing from your life.
Would shooting up some crack make me happy? Chemically for sure, but still happy. Moot point. I wouldn’t know where to get crack if I wanted some.
I think I might have been happy when I finished my marathon, but that seems so ephemeral. Could that have been called happy, or just a sense of accomplishment?

“I wish to be happy. I wish to finish a marathon faster than 3:10:00 (Boston qualifying time). I wish I had time to do everything that I want to do.”