And it is now my birthday. Another year around the sun. This, I suppose, is a special one because it is divisible by 5. And 7, if you math people want to play with factors.
Introspection is par for the course here. I’m specifically going to relate it to my vacation I just had.
I really enjoyed Jamaica. Life felt so easy there. And I’m not talking about not having to do work and being surrounded by beautiful women. People, who know me, know that I do not do well around beautiful women. They are a source of added stress.
But it is different there. I felt relaxed and I didn’t have any trouble talking to the pretty girls. I could be myself and not feel judged.
When I am home, I constantly feel judged. I try to put forward an image of myself as a perfect being. Someone without any human weaknesses. This is, of course, impossible, but it is important for me to present this façade. I am trying to appear inhuman, and I need to stop this.
Am I trying to be a Vulcan?
I thought I got over that years ago, but it still seems to stick to me.
Am I two different people? One is the face I pretend to be, and the other only comes out on vacation. I suppose that could be true for anyone, but I can’t help but feel it is somewhat more extreme for me. Would I feel better if I was more honest with myself and my friends. Would stress go away? Would I be happier?
For the record though, I’m still not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.