I’ve been analyzing myself again. I’m not happy with what I see. I am comparing myself to other people and to what I see in movies. I think I’ve come to conclusion that I’m emotionally dead.
The short of it is that I have never loved. I have cared for people, but I have never been in love. I don’t even know if I could recognize the symptoms. I can’t even say I’ve lusted. I feel I am just pretending to have emotions. At least pretending the happier ones. I have anger, pain, and jealousy.
I am not proud of any of this.
I have friends who just think I’ve been out of the dating scene too long. They put me at the kindergarten level of dating expertise. I can’t disagree. But I still need to try, and hope I can get through this dead zone. (Is that fair on the other person?)
I think I’m autistic. Just skimming through the Wikipedia article on it and I can see a lot of the symptoms in myself. I’m not good with facial recognition or eye contact. I have compulsive behaviour and ritualistic behaviour (I don’t like EVER using the bottom step on a staircase.) I am not comfortable with human contact even though I would like to feel it. I’ve tried to be more open to hugs, and I should like them. But I don’t like initiating them.
Tangent: I’m wondering what would happen if there was a test to screen for autism before birth, or even a way to cure it. If the same thing could be done for homosexuality, there would be an uproar. I would feel the same way for autism. Despite all my problems, I wouldn’t want to change myself completely. Nerds form an important part of modern civilization.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. (Compulsive behaviour?) My current theory: As I come closer to understanding myself, I want other people to know my thought process.
I don’t like having a conversation die. If I have to say things, that I shouldn’t say in public, to keep the conversation going, that is apparently what I’ll do.