Am I undateable?
Okay, hear me out. This isn’t a grab for sympathy, but some introspection that I want to go through. And I am feeling good about this, because I think I’ve discovered something.
In my previous post on February 9th, I made this statement:
The thing going through my head is that I don’t want to let anyone down. If I ask someone to dance, I am taking responsibility for giving them a good time. If I don’t feel I have the skills to do that, I am feel bad and am disappointed in myself.
One could just glance over what I said, but if we look closer, what can we learn?
I saw a video recently of a friend and her boyfriend getting ready to go out for some clubbing. They were dressed more extreme that I am used to. But what got me was that the guy looked relaxed and okay with it all. He was having fun.
“I am taking responsibility for giving them a good time.”
That might just be the crux of my problems. Whenever I am with a woman I am attracted to, I can not be myself. I cannot just enjoy myself. The overwhelming responsibility is wrecking that.
If I am with a non-single woman, they are just a friend. It is not my responsibility to give them a good time. I can be myself. I still seem to be worried that they aren’t having a good time, but the pressure is far, far, less. I need to be like that more.
I need to stop caring about people!
Or be more trusting. Trust that another person isn’t going to try and get rid of me when I am not being entertaining. Except that past experience doesn’t support that hypothesis.
Unsurprisingly, your most recent post had me thinking. One thought I had, in response to the (somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I assume) idea that you need to stop caring for people.
I propose a small adjustment: you need to stop caretaking. Caring is not the problem; the problem, as you self-identified in the post, is assuming responsibility for someone else’s happiness. As far as I understand the term, that’s not care, that’s caretaking.
In any case, I think your observations are quite insightful. As always, I remain impressed with your self-reflection and drive for self-improvement.
i was thinking about that line on my way to work yesterday and how you were putting too much pressure on yourself. All you have to do when dancing is not be a jerk and try to dance your best… it’s up to your partner to do the same.
You can’t be responsible for someone else’s happiness — or even their enjoyment. It’s up to you to treat people well — and part of that is putting some effort into whatever activity has been embarked upon — but even if you’re the best dancer in the world (for example), not everyone is going to have a good time, for a pile of factors you have no effect on.
You shouldn’t stop caring, but you do have to let people take care of themselves. And anyone who stops hanging out with you because you’re not tripping over yourself to keep them entertained isn’t worth your time.