I’m not happy with myself lately.
I live alone in Vancouver. My fiancé lives in Houston and is trying to recover from the disaster of Harvey. So she will not be coming soon. In 2016 I saw her lots. This year I think I’ve seen her for a total of five weeks. I talk with her everyday, but it isn’t the same.
Being in a long distance relationship is putting me in a bad position. The fact that I’ve moved here from Edmonton has made it worse.
In Edmonton, I had friends and a social network. I saw them a couple of times a week.
Since I’ve moved, I don’t go out. I don’t see anyone outside of work. Since I have a fiancé, I even have an excuse to not go out to bars that I never wanted to go to in the first place. I am becoming a hermit. With the new running program, I don’t even have the run group I used to see on Wednesday and Sunday. It wasn’t much but it was something.
I’ve lost all social outlets.
And with it, my social graces. When my family visited last weekend, I was not great. I don’t know if I was tired or stressed, but I was not in a good mood and I took it out on them at times. I did the actions to give them a good time, but my personality prevented them from truly enjoying it.
Part of me thinks it is because I haven’t seen them in so long that I am not used to my mother getting old. I think of her as having as much energy as I do and expected her to keep up with me. But let’s be honest, I’m a bad person to be around now.
I’d like to be better, but I don’t feel motivated to socialize.
And even if my fiancé comes back, forcing me to accommodate someone else in my life, I fear the damage has been done. This apartment is feeling like my place, and not our place. She will be a guest in my house. It won’t be her home. And I’ll have gotten stuck in my rut, and will be resentful of anyone trying to change it.
Hopefully acknowledging the problem will help stop it from getting worse.