I’m giving up. She wasn’t there and probably will never be at New City again. I lost my one chance with a really good looking girl because I wasn’t forward enough to ask for (or give) a phone number. Have I been ignoring other women that were interested in me while looking for the mythical Melissa.
I met Steve at the bar though. He’s a friend of Jake who just got back from a vacation where he visited all his relatives in Denmark. When the subject of all the beautiful girls in the place came up, he asked why I didn’t talk to them. Lack of social skills. He said I should just go up and talk to them. It’s easy. At least he makes it sound easy. He was commenting on sitting alone, but that he was going to be sleeping with someone tonight. He didn’t sound like he was bragging.
I need more self esteem to talk to girls. I don’t feel comfortable approaching them unless I get an indication that they are interested in my existence. I usually try and make eye contact with one and smile at them. Only one girl in memory has ever smiled back: Melissa. (Do I have a creepy smile?) If I don’t get the smile, I don’t get the confidence that I need.
A theory that I’ve got in my head is that I’ll get social self-esteem if I had a girlfriend. (Hell, a one night stand would be ideal too.) But to get the girlfriend, I’m going to need the social self-esteem first. I see myself in a vicious circle. I really should have learned these skills while I was in school. Back then it would be okay if you didn’t have them because everyone was learning. But at my age, everyone assumes you have them already. And if you don’t, well that’s just creepy.
When I left the bar at around 1:00, I lingered in the front for a few minutes. I did talk to a girl who said that she wanted to hurt someone. She was upset because security wouldn’t allow her back in the bar. I suspect it’s because she was having trouble with standing upright without swaying. I didn’t mention that as the reason, because I don’t feel comfortable arguing with drunk people.
Well, I’ve got to stop whining. So far this journal seems to have been just a medium for me to whine about how pathetic my life is. No one is interested in reading about that. So I’m going to try and be more positive now.