Today I went to the happiest place on Earth with my new brother-in-law. Many rides were ridden. And I have come to realize three things.
First, this place has a serious fetish with princesses. They litter the place. Little girls everywhere are dressed up like their favorite princess. And if that is Jasmine, it looks really creepy. A friend told me to kiss a princess, so I did spend time waiting in line to meet the aforementioned Princess Jasmine. It was clear she totally wanted me, but she gave off some weak line that she was married, and the husband (who looks gay) was standing right there. I did get a picture though.
Second, Florida wishes it has snow. They have a Christmas store which shows various characters in snow. For the holidays they have covered Cinderella’s palace with those annoying fake icicle lights. They do pull it off and make it look nice though.
Third, this place is for children. I should understand that better. They do make a few concession to adults, but a lot of the rides were more visual than anything else; Ride the cart through and watch robots do their thing. Cute, but boring after awhile. I need more thrills. And thrills are not to be had when the safety of small children is incredibly important.
When we first arrived we didn’t have a plan. We went to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride first because it was one we both recognized. It was a little disappointing because it was a signature ride that had become legendary. This was a mostly visual piece. There were a lot of the characters from the movie forced in too. I remember hearing that in the past, the pirates were chasing women around the town. That scene had been deemed offensive and so it was removed. I think they have replaced it with scenes of women chasing the pirates off with brooms. Not nearly as satisfying.
We next tried going on Thunder Mountain. We waited in line for twenty minutes before the ride broke and they ushered everyone else out. At least we weren’t one of the poor people stuck in a coaster mid-hill.
So we went to Splash Mountain. This was also a visual ride. We watched robots act like characters from the never-to-be-seen-again movie Song of the South. But the highlight was of course the five story drop into a pool. That was cool! And I liked how they make it look worse than it is by having jets of water shoot high out when you splash down. They are conveniently timed to have the jets spray water on a passing boat. But unfortunately, the ride took too long to get to that point.
The Haunted Mansion was next. A visual ride again. It was very well done though, and I like it better than many of the other visual rides. Nothing thrilling about it.
Then we went to Stitch’s Great Escape. I wanted to do this attraction because it looked like the evolution of a previous one called “Alien Encounter”. My friend, told me glorious stories about that show. It was completely terrifying and caused little children to weep openly as cute aliens got mangled and destroyed by a horrible being from another dimension.
This was not that ride.
Instead of a horrifying alien loose in a scientific institute, we had Stitch looking cute and adorable. He pulled a few of the scenes from the previous ride, but because it was a cute cartoon character we recognized, the children didn’t pee their pants.
The Tomorrowland Indy Speedway had such great potential. Except that they totally misused the word “speed”. I could walk faster than those cars. The cars did need a bit of steering, but because they were on tracks you didn’t have much choice where you were steering. There was no cutting off of other racers. I have more fun driving an actual car. It was weird having the steering wheel on the wrong side of the vehicle. Gas pedal with the left foot?
Then back to Thunder Mountain for a successful ride. It was a good roller-coaster. No visuals to slow things down. Right to the action. Best ride of the trip.
At least it was until we wandered over to Space Mountain. That was one of the best rides I’ve ever been on. It was a roller-coaster but in complete darkness, so you were never sure which direction you would accelerate to next. We were shaking when we came out. Which didn’t stop us from going again later. We thought it would be easier the second time, but it actually felt worse. Were the tracks different between them? I don’t know, but this was great. Go do it.
We were winding down by this point, so we started wandering. That took us into another Roller-coaster, Barnstormer at Goofy’s Wiseacre Farm. It was good, but it lasted only a minute, and after waiting in line for twenty minutes, it didn’t feel worth it. Interestingly this one has a warning that “Expectant mothers should not ride.” But Space Mountain is fine?
Continuing the wind down we tried the Riverboat as it made a tour of the lake. I can’t say much about this. It was relaxing, but it needs more seats.
We watched a few shows that were being performed at Cinderella’s palace. The main characters can really move when they are on stage. Even lip-sync. But I did feel that Minnie was coming between Mickey and his friends. She was always there, demanding his attention. Meanwhile Donald and Goofy were being stringed along by Mickey. They didn’t even get to bring their girlfriends to the parties and were stuck being sidekicks.
Now don’t get me wrong. I had a great time today. I just have an easier remembering and describing things I disliked than to properly give credit to the great parts. If I did have life to live over, I would have brought the time schedule. It would have helped in planning better.